Thursday, January 25, 2007
Our House
I must have been about seven or eight when I first realized that the house I lived in wasn’t quite like the others on our tree-lined block, and that the “boarders” on the first two floors, all young girls in their early- to mid-twenties, weren’t quite like the spinster 
aunts and widows who rented rooms from other families. Until then, I’d always simply taken on face value my mother’s explanation for why there were so many men visiting them all day long.
"Oh, that’s her uncle," she used to say if I inquired. Or, “Oh, him? He’s a friend of her cousin, come by to return something he borrowed.”
Then one day, I was sitting on a stoop with a bunch of the guys from the block, drinking Yoo Hoo’s and Manhattan Special’s in between stickball games. Anthony Morelli pointed at a guy just then rushing into the front door our house. “Look at Old Man Donatello. I’ve never seen him walk so fast.” Which got a big laugh out of everyone.
I figured Anthony was confusing him with someone else, because my mother had already assured me that the guy in question was the uncle of one of our boarders, a Polish girl named Nica. “Whaddaya mean, Donatello?” I said. “He’s Polish, that guy.”
“Old Man Donatello?” Anthony asked. “He’s as Polish as my ballsack.” Which got an even bigger laugh out of everyone.
“But he is,” I protested. “He’s Nica’s uncle, and Nica’s a polack.”
One of the older kids looked at me with what seemed like pity in his eyes. “Kid, ain’t nobody ever told you? Youse live in a whorehouse.” I did my best to mask my surprise, which wasn’t hard to do, given I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Momma,” I asked later when I went in to get ready for dinner, “is it true we live in a whorehouse?”
She frowned the frown that meant she wished she could say no but couldn’t bring herself to lie. “Well, I prefer the term bordello, but I guess some people would call it that.”
I thought over her response for a second before going on. “Momma?”
“Yes, dear.”
“What’s a whorehouse?”
Just then we heard the front door open and close, and my father’s familiar footsteps on the staircase.
“Moishe!!” my mother called out. “Your son’s got something to ask you."
Excerpted from The Jew Who Saw The Light
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
The Rev's In
Friends, most of you have probably heard the rumors circulating in the press already. And no doubt you're aware of the massive groundswell of popular support that's sprung up over the past year since I brought my ministry online. So rather than let the 
news trickle out in drips and drabs, I figured I'd break it to you with a flourish here on the site: After months of prayerful reflection, I've come to the conclusion that my country needs more from me than just the spiritual guidance I can offer as a prominent religious leader. Now more than ever, America needs its men of faith to step forward and join the fray. Which is why I've decided to run for the office of President of the United States in 2008.
In the coming days I'll be rolling out my campaign platform, introducing you to my staff, and laying out my vision for America. But for now, I'll leave you with this simple thought. Eight years ago, we traded in a president who got blown in the Oval Office for one who blows in the Oval Office. Isn't it time America got a President who's willing to go all the way?
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Friday, January 19, 2007
Another Brick In The Wall
Friends, alot of preachers like to prattle and whine about the separation of church & state. And they're quick to whip up a full-blown Christian Hissy Fit anytime the ACLU brings a lawsuit 
to keep public school teachers, city council members, and the Pentagon's top brass from leading prayers in the name of Jesus. But where are they when it actually comes time to tear down a brick from that wall of separation? Hiding out in a Denver hotel room with a manwhore, most likely.
Unless, of course, you're talking about Pastor Jim Hayes of the Lily of the Valley Church of God in Christ in Fairbanks, AK. How did Pastor Jim, who also happens to be a former mayor of Fairbanks, come up with the loot for the construction, furnishing, and operation of his church (not to mention the plasma TV for his home, a family-member's wedding reception, and payments on his personal credit card)? He embezzled it from the non-profit organization, LOVE Social Services Center, that he directed.
Nothing out of the ordinary so far, you might be thinking. Nothing that would set him apart, anyway, from the hundreds of other preachers who get caught doing the very same thing year in and year out. Until you consider just how Pastor Jim filled up LOVE's coffers in the first place: with grant money from the Federal Government. In other words, while most preachers were talking about getting the state to endorse Jesus as the Lord & Savior, Pastor Mike was using Federal tax dollars, to the tune of $450k between 2001 and 2005, to build a church in His name. Now that's what I call dedication.
Unfortunately, a Federal grand jury in Anchorage called it fraud, embezzlement and money laundering when it indicted Pastor Jim and his wife, Chris, on Wednesday. Needless to say, we'll be adding Jim to the already crowded field for January's Minister of the Month Award. And we take comfort in knowing that while Pastor Jim might be heading to Club Fed, the church that Uncle Sam built is staying put in Fairbanks.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Family Album
Stock up on the bottled water, friends, get the canned goods dusted off, and make sure you get your orders in for the 
Armageddon Survival Kit, because it looks like the Lord & Savior is getting ready to toss off the sweats and check in at the scorer's table: no fewer than four Jesus sightings, with one Virgin Mary appearance thrown in for good measure, these past few weeks.
In Wild Peach, TX, Doris Wells wasn't exactly sure what to make of the stain on her laundry room floor, so she asked her cousin, Jewel Lacina, to take a look. For obvious reasons:
"I can’t see very well. My vision is very bad, but if I stick with it long enough, I can see it," Lacina said.
So what is "it"? Why, an image of Jesus on the cross. In his loin cloth, of course. Obviously the Lord wanted to make sure his underwears were clean for his big entrance.
Then there's the African mask likeness spotted on a tree in Jacksonville, FL. Said Daryl Brown, owner of the tree:
Jesus don't just pop up like that. If you know the word of Jesus and you believe in Jesus, then there you go. He does exist.
Sounds like Daryl's got a pretty sound argument to me. Of course, what good's a tree, even one with a self-portrait of the L&S on it, if there aren't any dogs to call it their own?
Which brings us to our third sighting out in Yucaipa, CA, where Roger Bowman had decided to "get rid of" his two destructive pets, Max and Hercules, until the L&S made it clear He wanted the pooches to stay put. Just how did He get the message across? By appearing in person on Max and Hercules' doggy door. As Roger put it:
The coincidence of the natural wear pattern on the dog door to create just the perfect symmetry of this image... I mean what are the chances of that. I just can't help but take it as a divine reprieve for the dogs...
Meanwhile, showing the Lord hasn't lost any of His mobility after two thousand years of inactivity, He showed up on a train station platform out in Sydney, Australia. Eschewing the mildew stains and burnt toast that have become His trademarks, the L&S decided to use a mixed media collage of eroded paint and moss growth for the latest self-portrait.
Finally, not to be outdone, the Virgin Mary, or a lump of ice resembling a sex toy, depending on which angle you look at it from, coagulated in a convenience store freezer out in Morton, TX. An altar has been set up alongside the frozen pizzas, and the claims of miracle cures have already started pouring in:
"I had a lump in my breast, and yesterday, when I went home, it disappeared. I don’t have it no more," said one woman.
So keep your eyes peeled, friends, and your ears to the ground. Because the next sighting might be accompanied by trumpet blasts.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Friday, January 12, 2007
Beginners' Mistakes
Friends, the biggest mistake most inexperienced preachers make is to work themselves into a lather condemning sin. Or 
worse yet, to prattle on about hating the sin but loving the sinner. Of course, as regular readers of this site know, it's the exact opposite that's true: Most of the people you'll come across in this world are sorry, conniving lowlifes, perfectly deserving of your hatred and contempt. But there's nothing wrong with sin.
To take it one step further, sin is the price you've got to pay if you're looking to get some facetime with the Lord & Savior. How do I know? Because when He was among us, He said it Himself:
They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. (Mark 2:17)
No one gets to the Father but through the Son, friends, and no one gets to the Son unless he's raised a little hell. It's that simple.
Now the second biggest mistake most young preachers make is to assume that once someone has sinned, they ought to get down on their knees and repent, lickity split. Once again, though, they've got it all wrong. Because when it comes to getting a man to repent, the Lord knows that nothing works better than guilt, and that a good guilt trip is like Texas Bar-B-Q: the longer it cooks, the better.
Just ask Simen Bjoergen, mayor of Lom, Norway. According to this article, he received a check for $375, along with the following letter from a German whose name was not released:
"For many years, my conscience has bothered me. With the enclosed check, I hope to free myself from that and request your help," wrote the German... "I would also like to ask for forgiveness for the wrong I did so long ago."
The crime that was burning up the German's conscience? Shoplifting $15 worth of items from a local store while vacationing in the small mountain town back in 1970. He asked Mayor Bjoergen to track down the store's owner to give him the check. The retired shopkeeper, 78-year old Gabriel Lund, passed the money on in turn to the local retirement home, and sent back word that all was forgiven.
So you see, friends, once you've taken that first step down the path of sin, there's really no rush. Because sooner or later, it'll lead you to the Lord. After all, He's already waited a couple millenia for your soul. You think He's gonna mind a decade or two more?
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Gang Of Four
Friends, as word has spread about the Temple of Yeshua Christos Minister of the Month Award, the competition to take 
home the coveted prize has gotten downright fearsome. Otherwise mild-mannered men of God will seemingly stop at nothing to outdo their colleagues in what's become a no-holds-barred, back alley brawl, all for the right to claim their spot, if only for one month, at the top of the evangelical heap.
How else to explain the veritable avalanche of pastors offering themselves up as Godly examples of how to take the first step, or in some cases the first running leap, down the path of sin that ultimately leads to the Lord? Hell, there's so many of them this week, all I can do is tick them off:
1) In Fort Wayne, IN, the Attorney General's office is investigating reports that Rev. Donald Archey, of the New World Church, established his non-profit Archey AIDS Foundation with a ghost governing board, and then went on to use the money donated to it for personal expenses. Rev. Donald has already acknowledged forging the signature of the foundation's treasurer to open the bank account, but claims all the funds, $45k worth, can be accounted for.
2) In Oklahoma City, OK, Pastor Lonnie Latham, senior pastor of the South Tulsa Baptist Church in Tulsa, OK, and member of the Southern Baptist Convention's Executive Committee, was charged with "soliciting an act of lewdness" after inviting an undercover cop to a nearby hotel room for oral sex. Latham initially claimed he'd been "set up" and was in the area "pastoring to police", despite the fact that the neighborhood in question is known more for its male prostitutes than its police presence. He later resigned his pastor and leadership positions, and on the advice of his attorneys refused further comment.
3) In Middletown, OH, Pastor Keith L. Brooks, of the Power of Deliverance Temple/Judah Sanctuary of Praise (no relation), pleaded guilty to charges that he used his personal bank account, as well as that of the church, to launder money for a fugitive drug dealer. According to prosecutors, Pastor Keith rented a house to the dealer in question, who also happened to be a member of the church's congregation, for slightly above market value: $2000/month in cash for three years, to be exact. Pastor Keith's lawyer claimed the pastor is innocent, but decided to plead guilty to keep his wife and church from being charged along with him.
4) And finally, in Manteca, CA, a sentencing hearing for former-pastor Randall Radic was postponed until next month when a prosecutor was unable to make this week's scheduled hearing. Randall already pleaded guilty last year to one count of grand theft by embezzlement after he neglected to inform his congregation that he'd sold their church and the land it was on to a private developer. Apparently church members became suspicious when they saw Randall's fiance driving around town in a $100k BMW.
Congratulations to the first three, who all win nominations for January's Minister of the Month Award. As for Randall, he won't be eligible seeing as his exploits took place over two years ago. But that's not to say we don't admire his ingenuity. Because any preacher worth his salt can put rear ends in the pews. But it takes a man anointed by God to sell the pews out from under 'em once they're there.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Hoop Dreams
Friends, here's a little news item that just warms the heart. You might recall the rash of church break-ins and burglaries that I wrote about a few weeks ago. Well, it seems that the Rev. 
Charles R. Harrison, of Barnes United Methodist Church in Indianapolis, IN, has upped the ante for the rest of us. Because instead of just using his church as bait to speed young folks along the path of sin that ultimately leads to repentance, redemption and the Lord, Rev. Charles has gone a step further: He's dangled himself at the end of the hook.
It all started this past Sunday when Rev. Charles stopped by his church, only to find three teenage boys waiting for him in the parking lot. When he asked them if they were there to rob him, they responded that they just wanted to play some basketball. Once in the gym, however, one of them distracted him by asking where the payphone was located, while the other two stole his wallet, keys, and cell phone.
Rev. Charles has since urged the teens to turn themselves in, saying, "I still love you and want to be part of turning your life around." Of course, if you ask me, he's already done his part. The rest is up to the Lord.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Me & My Burqa
Friends, as you all know, here at the Temple of Yeshua Christos we take modesty for the Christian woman very seriously. After all, nothing 
disrupts a clothing-optional worship service faster than someone getting a swelled head over the winning hand the Good Lord dealt her. So needless to say, I was overjoyed when our friends over at The Rebelution, a Christian website for teens, announced late last year they were putting together what they call The Modesty Survey. Apparently it took some time to collect all the burning wardrobe questions faced by Christian tweeners as they begin to fill out their training bras. But now the survey's up and running, and they're asking Christian men of all ages to give their answers, as a way of guiding the girls down the path of Biblical Womanhood.
I just spent the last half-hour going through it, and quite frankly, I can't remember the last time I had this much fun with an online survey. It's composed of a series of statements that you can agree or disagree with, with a small text box following each one if you'd like to add comments. My favorites so far?
4) Leotards, sheer skirts, and tutus in theatre or dance performances are immodest.
10) Modesty is important for all girls, regardless of height, weight, build, etc.
18) A technically modest outfit can be a stumbling block when it has attached sexual associations (e.g. a "school girl" outfit).
23) Bending over so that cleavage is visible down the front of the shirt or dress is a stumbling block.
There's a slight catch: You've got to register, and in addition to your name and e-mail address, there's an essay question with a 20-word minimum about why you want to participate. But that's a small price to pay to help bring the survey results into the 21st century, don't you think?
So be a sport and click on through. Because a generation of Lolitas is counting on you.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Tubesday, January 9, 2007
Hold Me Back
Friends, it's one thing to talk about turning the other cheek when nobody's swinging at you. But as today's guest, Co-Pastor Susie Owens of the Greater Mount Calvary Holy Church, points out, it's a whole other story when there's somebody taking a poke at your jaw. And as she goes on to say, Co-Pastor Susie might not start nothing. But something tells me she's not afraid to finish it. It's the latest edition of the YouTube Ministry, friends. Enjoy.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Monday, January 8, 2007
The Seventy-Seven Year Itch
Friends, if you're like me, you don't find yourself thinking too much about what life'll be like at the age of 107. Given the kind of 
hard-living and hell-raising I've put in already, chances are pretty slim I'll last that long. But if ever the thought crosses my mind, it usually involves images of retirement communities and wheelie-walkers, with the occasional attempt to cop a feel off one of the nurse's aides thrown in to keep things interesting.
Which is why I'm all the more appreciative of Pastor Samuel Sadela of the Gospel Apostolic Church in Lagos, Nigeria. Because at 107-years old, not only is Pastor Sam still at work as Nigeria's oldest pastor, he also happens to be a newlywed. Amazing as it sounds, after having been married once for twenty-one years and a second time for thirty-six, Pastor Sam decided to head back down the aisle for a third time. His bride? A woman seventy-seven years his junior. You read that right, friends. Pastor Sam went and married a thirty-year old. According to this article, he was quoted afterwards as saying,"The Lord is my strength."
That may be so. But at 107-years old, with a thirty-year old bride, a little Viagra can't hurt either. So in addition to naming Pastor Sam the first nominee for January's Minister of the Month Award, we'll be taking up a collection to provide him with a lifetime supply. Make your checks payable to the Temple of Yeshua Christos, as usual, but add "The Spirit's Willing... Ministry" in the memo field. And make sure to send them out Overnight Express, friends. Because something tells me Pastor Sam doesn't have a lot of time to lose.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Monday, January 8, 2007
S-lamb Dunk
Friends, once again the turnout was overwhelming, once again the contest went down to the wire, and once again it was decided by the smallest of 
margins. And if you think I'm talking about the Giants-Eagles playoff game yesterday, think again. Because the results are in for December's Minister of the Month Award, and in a stunning come from behind victory, the livestock-rustling pastor from the Namibian outback, Gustav "On The Lamb" Rooi, took home the coveted trophy.
Our thoughts go out to Pastor Karen Oresti and Rev. Mike Eminger, both of whom mounted strong campaigns and must be feeling a bit disheartened right about now. (Or in Pastor Karen's case, dis-kidneyed.) But let's face it. A Shepherd of the Lord's Flock who's willing to steal sheep is a pretty tough act to follow.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Jackpot Fever
Friends, every business has its bottom line, and the soul-saving racket is no different. And just like a car dealership, where you judge a
salesman by how many cars he moves off the lot, the measure of a preacher is how many heads he dunks in the water. Because getting folks to take salvation out for a test drive is all very good, but if you can't close the deal afterwards, you're in the wrong line of work.
Sadly, not everyone understands what I'm talking about. But one fellow who does is Donald W. Mitchell. He's the author and marketing consultant who's just kicked off a contest to find the most effective new method for saving souls for Christ. The winner of the contest will author a book about their method with Don, while the also-rans will be included in a separate volume titled "101 Great Ways to Save More Souls".
Needless to say, friends, I'll be throwing my hat into the ring. Only trouble is, some unscrupulous copycat Christians have horned in on some of my bread and butter soul saving techniques and claimed them for their own. Like, for instance, the "Water to Wine" method, where you ply a fence-sitter with alcohol until their judgment's impaired, then move in for the kill with the hard sell. Taken.
Then there's the ole "Juiced For Jesus" method, where you outfit your target with a remote-controlled vibrating sex toy and keep the needle in the red til they accept Jesus as their Lord & Savior. Taken.
And if you think, That's okay, that still leaves the "Live Bait" method, where you send sexy female members of the congregation out to lure potential converts with offers of sex, think again. Because it's been taken.
Luckily that still leaves what I call the "Crapshoot for Christ" 
method. That's the casino where the house pays out cash when it loses, but claims your soul for the L&S when it wins. And as anyone who's ever been in a casino knows, the house always wins. So place your bets, friends. Because in this casino, losing your shirt just might win you everlasting life.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Thursday, January 4, 2007
MuMBBo Jumbo
Friends, I recently received the following letter from my cousin, The Right Reverend Mullah Mohamed, a Messianic Muslim who has seen the light and accepted Yeshua Christos as his Lord & Savior:
My Dear Cousin & Brother in Christos,
Thanks for sending me the article about Urbana '06, a recruitment fair for college-age Christian missionaries that focused on, among other things,
the challenges and opportunities of prostletyzing to what I call Mohamedans, but what they, for some reason, call MBB's (Muslim Background Believers). I especially appreciated the part about David G. Cashin's presentation called "Loving Muslims in an Age of Terror." Apparently Cashin, a professor at an evangelical Bible college in Columbia, S.C., told the students:
...he hoped their hearts "were filled with compassion for people lost in a system that cannot save them," and urged them to "develop a heart for the lostness of Muslims."
While I agree with him, it's important to remember: Compassion is fine and dandy, but without some brass tacks prostletyzing techniques to back it up, you might as well be whistling Dixie. So with that in mind, I thought I'd share some of my own field-tested methods, designed specifically for saving Mohamedan souls, with the folks from Urbana '06:
1) One thing I can't stress enough: Never lead off with your final offer when you're trying to convert a Mohamedan. As anyone who's ever tried to buy a rug knows, these guys come from a haggling culture. If you tell them right off the bat that accepting Jesus as their Lord & Savior will win them eternal salvation, they'll only try holding out for something more, like reserved seating come Judgment Day, or a 3-day notice for the Rapture. You're better off starting out with something like, "Take Jesus as your Lord & Savior, and maybe, just maybe, He won't damn you to Hell for all eternity." That way you've got some room to maneuver before you seal the deal.
2) While at first glance it might seem hard to beat the Mohamedans' standing offer of 72 virgins waiting for them in Paradise, the reality is that we've got a pretty good bargaining position on this one. To begin with, simple demographics show that there just aren't enough young, nubile virgins dying these days to fill the quota. So when it comes time to pay out, their folks in Human Resources will have no choice but to make up the shortfall with old maids and spinster aunts. Our counter-offer is obvious: Once He got the Immaculate Conception out of the way, the Lord & Savior didn't much bother with virgins while He was among us. Which means most of the girls working our little corner of Heaven will be seasoned professionals. And what's more, because we don't have to blow ourselves to bits to qualify, we're sure to get there with all the moving parts in place.
3) Finally, nothing says you mean business to a Mohamedan quite like a sword. Keep one on you at all times, and by all means, if you get the chance to use it (on a goat, say, or better yet, a lamb), don't hesitate. Also, remember that the sword is part of the culture over there. So don't be afraid to hold it up tight against their throats when you're trying to convert them. These people just won't take you seriously otherwise.
With these tips and a bit of good old American ingenuity, I'm pretty sure that come Judgment Day, when it's time for the Lord & Savior to open up His can of Heavenly whoop ass, it'll be Him, and not this Mahdi guy everyone's talking about, calling the shots.
Yeshua Akhbar!!
The Right Reverend Mullah Mohamed
Tubesday, January 2, 2007
Tag Team
Friends, as anyone in the soul-saving racket will tell you, if you want to move the product, you've got to have the celebrity endorsements. Because you can try all the Sacred Sex workshops, the Skateboard Ministries, and the Christian Yoga seminars you like. But when push comes to shove, and shove comes to piledriver, nothing gets those fannies in the pews quite like a real-live, honest-to-goodness, famous person. And as today's guest, "Pastor Blaster" Ed Young of the Fellowship Church demonstrates, why bother tinning sardines when you can hook the big fish? It's the latest edition of the YouTube Ministry, friends. Enjoy. (Hey, that's my thing, brother!!)
Sign of the Cross to
Slice of Laodicea
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Two Thousand Seven!!
Friends, I'd just like to take a second to thank you all for supporting the site during our first calendar year together, with a special thanks to everyone who took the time to answer the Reader Survey. I've got a lot of fun stuff planned for 2007, including some original video projects, a couple boardgames, and The Rev's Autobiography. So stay tuned.
For me, this site is a real labor of love, and it's gratifying to know that there are actually some folks out there who enjoy it. Thanks again, and best wishes for a happy, healthy and prosperous 2007.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Vote For Minister Of The Month
Friends, December's drawing to a close, which of course means it's time to dust off the noisemakers, get the champagne on ice, and vote for the Temple of Yeshua Christos Minister of
Minister of the Month
the Month Award. After an explosive and scandal-ridden month of November, the contest for December's award can only be described as understated, with the nominees each staking subtle, if novel, claims to the title.
Our first candidate, Pastor Gustav Rooi of Namibia, took the expression "Shepherd of the Lord's flock" to another level when he was accused of stealing 29 sheep from a neighboring commercial farm. Pastor Gustav might be looking at a minimum of twenty years in the clink. But that's a small price to pay, given the Lord's penchant for sheep.
Meanwhile, our second candidate, Pastor Karen Oresti, found an unorthodox method of getting Rabbi Andrew Bossov to take Jesus, if not into his heart, at least into an organ not far away: by donating her Christian kidney for a life-saving transplant. With any luck, the good Rabbi will be turning wine back into water in no time.
And finally, our third candidate, Rev. Michael Kevin Eminger, found a way to get the town of Fisher, Minnesota's Chamber of Commerce back into compliance with the Lord's poverty requirement: He stole every last dime out of their checking account and deposited it into his own. Unfortunately for Rev. Mike, the Minnesota penal system, unlike the Lord, takes the rich along with the poor.
And there you have it, friends. Three candidates, all hellbent on coming away with the coveted award. And as always, the outcome is in your hands. So make sure to vote. Because otherwise the blasphemers win.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Saturday, December 30, 2006
ArmaG.E.D.don
Friends, as you all know, for years now the Evangelical Noise Machine has been trying to get Jesus back into this nation's public schools, 
using everything from classroom prostletyzing and valedictorian addresses that could pass for sermons, to Christian extra-curricular clubs and boundary-pushing events like Scriptures In Schools Week or See You At The Pole Day, to sneak, force or finagle the Lord & Savior into the classroom. And thankfully, for all that time, the ACLU has been there to make sure that the L&S stays where He belongs: as far from the blackboard jungle as the U.S. Constitution will allow. After all, given the academic performance of today's kids, the surest way of guaranteeing they don't know a lick of Scripture is to assign it in class.
But now a group of high school students from Rockland County, NY, has decided to take matters into their own hands by stealing the Baby Jesus from local nativity scenes and depositing Him in front of neighborhood high schools. Their goal? To make sure the L&S Himself completes His high school education. Calling themselves "The Opiates", they've already enrolled the Baby Jesus six times, each time leaving behind a note stating the obvious: "Jesus never graduated from high school."
Needless to say, friends, I smell a rat. Because when a group named after the hippie movement's drug of choice starts trying to put the Lord & Savior in the one place where America's youth are sure to pay Him no mind, there's only one thought that springs to mind: This one's got the Amerwiccan Tofu Militia's fingerprints all over it.
Of course, if these Godless Pagans ever bothered to read Scripture, they'd know why Jesus didn't bother to graduate: He'd already gotten His G.E.D.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Statement Of Faith
Friends, what do you get when you put a shepherd of the Lord's flock in charge of a Chamber of Commerce's checking account? Well, if the minister
is Rev. Michael Kevin Eminger of Fisher, MN, the answer is apparently an account balance in the red, four counts of theft by swindle, and four counts of felony theft.
Rev. Mike's tale of glory all began this past summer when an unexpected overdraft notice prompted the Fisher Chamber of Commerce to review their account statements for the past five years. As they informed the county Sheriff's Office in October, the review showed that Rev. Mike had embezzled $14k from the account over the course of the last three-and-a-half years. With an annual budget of $4k, that comes to roughly... all of the money that passed through the account during Rev. Mike's tenure as treasurer.
What exactly led them to suspect the good Reverend? Well, despite taking every possible precaution to cover his tracks, Rev. Mike apparently made one fatal error: He made most of the checks payable to himself. When confronted by the Chamber, he was a good sport and fessed up... to having taken only $5k from the account. An amount he later revised, under police questioning, to $10k.
Of course, it's obvious that Rev. Mike was carrying out a bit of stealth ministry, putting Fisher's business community in line with the Fisher of Souls's words:
Jesus said unto him, If thou will be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me. (Matthew 19:21)
Unfortunately, the cost of saving folks' souls on the sly can be steep: In Rev. Mike's case, we're talking about 5-10 years in prison and $10-20k in fines steep. But the rewards are often priceless. Because by leaving the Fisher Chamber of Commerce penniless, Rev. Mike won the Lord some warm bodies. Not to mention a nomination for December's Temple of Yeshua Christos Minister of the Month Award for himself. After all, anyone can take one for the team. Rev. Mike? He took fourteen thousand.
Sign of the Cross to
Ex Christian Dot Com
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Friday, December 29, 2006
Celebrity Death Match
Frost up the beer mugs and heat up the buffalo wings, fight fans, because it's Celebrity Death Match time. Time once again for the Lord & Savior 
to lace up the gloves, step into the ring and defend his Championship Crown of Thorns against His latest challenger, the "Boy Buddha", Ram Bomjan. Bomjan, you might recall, is the Nepalese teenager who spent ten months last year fasting under a tree in an attempt to make the weight for a series of tune-up bouts. After complaining about the rowdy, drunken fans flocking to his camp, he disappeared into the forests of East Nepal for nine months, only to resurface this Christmas Eve, bulked up and ready for his shot at the title.
Of course, you know what happens when someone calls out the Lord & Savior on the night before His birthday: Out comes the can of Heavenly whoop ass, off goes the lid, and down comes the hurting. Only this time, fight fans, things could get dicey for the once-crucified but never-defeated Resurrected Champ of All Eternity. Because apparently the boy monk has taken a page out of the L&S's playbook, having come not to bring peace, but the sword: 
A scimitar, to be exact, that the pacifist pugilist claims he used to defend himself against the forest's wild animals.
Will it be enough to stop the Lamb of God's ferocious onslaught? And what about the sitting monk's patented spontaneous combustion technique? Will it be any match for the L&S's baptism of fire? We'll have to wait for the opening bell to know for sure. But for my money, the "Nepalese Nightmare" shouldn't count on more than a one-night stand in the spotlight. Because once the L&S gets finished with him, it'll be "Ram, Bom. Thank you, Jan."
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Robbing Peter To Pay Paul
Friends, every now and then I forget the kind of influence I wield as a spiritual guide to the internet generation. Because it seems like 
all it takes is a brief mention here on the site and before you know it a couple of isolated incidents have snowballed into a nationwide trend.
Case in point: A few weeks ago I wrote this post about a handful of church break-ins that had occurred around the country. Of course, I made the obvious observation that robbing a church is a great way to jump straight to the head of the salvation line. After all, as the Lord & Savior Himself pointed out in the Parable of the Two Debtors (Luke 7:37-50), when it comes to forgiving sins, He prefers bulk orders to piecemeal transactions: The bigger the sin, the faster the turnaround. To say nothing about the savings on overhead costs.
Well, it looks like the word got out, because recently there's been a veritable run on the bank, or in this case the church, with no less than five of them burgled in the past week alone:
- On Dec. 20th, five men were arrested on charges of grand larceny for trying to steal copper wiring and pipes from the Gulfshore Baptist Assembly in Henderson Point, MS;
- On the 23rd, thieves made off with artwork, the photocopier and even the water cooler from the Lawrence Baptist Church of Bulloch County, GA;
- On the 24th, firefighters put out a fire at the Reformation Evangelical Lutheran Church in Orlando, FL, only to discover a safe containing less than $200 missing from the church office;
- And for the cherry on the cake, a man removed a safe containing $30,000 in Christmas collection money from the Church of St. Mel in Queens, NY, during the Papist Mass on Christmas morning.
Of course, the news isn't all good. In an unfortunate footnote to the week's events, Rev. Noah Casey of St. John's Catholic Church in Indianapolis, IN, foiled a burglary attempt by tackling a teenager he found rummaging through the church rectory at 1:30 am Tuesday morning. Although the youth initially managed to escape with some computer equipment and cell phones, he and an accomplice were later tracked down and arrested by police.
Someone had better remind Rev. Noah that Scripture's pretty clear on this one: "But Jesus said, suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 19:14) After all, we're in the business of saving lost souls, not recovering stolen hardware. Of course, it's too late for this time. But if this past week is any indication, it won't be long before the good Reverend will get another chance to make good.
The Right Reverend Rabbi Judah
Make every call the Lord's call.
